


I must tell it.

by argenterie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Porn, Awkward Sexual Situations, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 00:38:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2046393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argenterie/pseuds/argenterie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione has a strange night with Ron, Harry, and Luna. It goes too far. It goes perfectly far. But oh god, too far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I must tell it.

I must tell it. I must.

 

\----  
We go to dinner. The four of us together, Luna, and me, and Harry, and Ron. It is fun, and soothing. We eat, and drink, at dinner. It's 10, and we all decide to go to Ron's and my house, and hang out. We decide that Ron will drive Luna home at the end of the night, so we don't have to go get Luna's car. We drive to the house.

Listening to old music, talking, laughing. Harry, he is leading the song choices, Luna often vetoing, and I just laugh and listen. Beck, Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins, En Vogue, TLC, so many songs. We talk, I'm sitting on the small couch with Luna perched next to me, and the boys sit on the long couch. I have 3/4 of a handle of Red Label whiskey that we are drinking on ice. I refresh all our beverages several times. By the end of the night, the bottle is empty.

Around 1 am, we decide to play a video game, all together. We take turns singing, playing. The game washes over us. Our laughter takes over. I can't stop laughing when I try to sing the one song they gave to me to sing. I am so happy in this moment. I am laughing, gleeful. 

Somehow the game gets shut off and the music starts again, booming from our speakers. The lights have gone down low. It's dusky, and pulsing with the music. There is Bassnectar playing, I think. And Luna and I start to dance together. The boys come to us. The living room gets warmer. Ron is against my back, Luna is facing me, grinding on my body, and Harry behind her, facing me also. The four of us dance, slickly, and alcohol fueled, and our bodies touching. 

Suddenly I feel Luna's hands against my body. She touches my breasts, slides down, her fingers against my clit through my pants, she slides it around and around. I gasp, I can't help myself. We are all still dancing. She slides her hands into my pants, then into my panties, and circles her finger around my clit, over and over and over, feeling the wetness, and I am slick, and hot, and the four of us are dancing, I am reaching around Luna, because Luna is beautiful, but I only ever wanted Harry, and so, I am touching Harry's arms, his head, his hair, his neck, his skin. I've got my hands around Luna and Harry both, tightly, holding them close to me. I'm so wet. And Luna just keeps going, going, her fingers sliding on me, oh god. I feel my climax coming and I am both so thrilled and so horrified that this is happening, happening, just like this. And I come. I come, I am laughing, I throw back my head and laugh and laugh, the oxytocin floods me, I'm coming. Luna's fingers are still darting around. Her other hand on my breast, she's slid my ridiculous teal leopard bra and black shirt down, and my nipple is in her hand, she's cupping me and grinding, the music still booming through us. 

We keep dancing. 

The music is wild, and thorough, and I am trapped and caught in this. Ron's body against me from behind. I ask, breathless, Luna, what do you want, what do you need, what do you like? 

And Luna and I, then we are together, suddenly, we kiss, we mash mouths together, our teeth clash, it's so hot, and there is our tongues rocking back and forth. I have my hands in her hair, I am kissing her fiercely. I slide my hands around her and then, as I’ve always wanted, I am touching him, I am touching him at last, I am touching Harry. 

Oh, fuck, Harry. 

I have one finger in his belt loop and I am pulling him closer. His head is bent forward and I feel his head touching mine. I run my hands over and over his head, over his arms, over his body. Luna is between us, but this is the most intimate that I have ever touched Harry. And I slide one of my hands to his groin and cup him there. We are all still dancing, Luna's hands on my body, my hands on Harry, and Ron pushing against me, and I feel Ron's hardness there, and I am touching Harry, and without knowing why, or how, but oh, it is so happening, my hand is there, my hand has slid inside his zipper, but I suddenly realize I can’t do this, and part of me resists, and so, I pull my hand out of his pants, and leave him be. I need Harry to know that I wanted to touch him, but that I couldn't touch him, even despite how much I wanted to touch him, to feel him in my hands, him in my fingers.

Instead, and in this moment I hope Harry knows that this isn’t what I wanted, I want him to know that I wanted him, but instead, I slide my hand delicately into Luna's pants and feel the softness of her prickly shaved parts. I slide further and run my finger around and around her clit, I can feel it is slick and wet, and firm, and I rub around and around. Her body is hot against mine, even though I never wanted a woman, I want her to feel ecstasy just like mine, in this moment.

As I'm doing this, her head thrown back, her sweaty hair on her neck, she's kissing me, and then I suddenly feel Harry's hand over mine, he's guiding my fingers on Luna's body, and yet, while he’s touching her, because our bodies are so close, in this moment, his hands, his hands are actually on me too, his knuckles touching my clit through my pants, and I know he probably doesn't realize that, but I don't care, because, it's all I ever wanted, even after the tent, and oh fuck, he's touching me through my pants with his hands, but of course touching her as well, through me, and I pull my hands out because I don't know how to do this, and then he slides his hand into her pants. 

We are all four of us, we are rocking, dancing, grinding. The music pulses through me, and I feel another orgasm coming as Luna's finger flicks and darts inside me. I pull her breast to me and caress her, squeeze her nipples, and I am laughing, laughing with another orgasm, laughing and I can't stop, and Luna's gasps are so hard and fast, as Harry's hands inside her bring her close, and she's got one of her hands around the back and is touching him, I think she's unbuttoned his pants entirely and has him out in her hands, but I can't see, and I choose to preserve this for myself, I choose to not look, to not know, forever, and I am so proud, and so sad in this moment, that I won’t see him, that I won’t feel him in my hands. And, so, I don't look. 

I reach behind me and squeeze Ron through his jeans, over and over, and feel him hard against me. Harry is leaning forward, his head is so close to mine, and he is looking down over Luna's shoulder and between my body and Luna's body. I am still touching Harry with my left hand, running my hands over his hair, his shoulder, his arm, his ass, his belt loop, his face, his neck, ohgod, his skin, 

his skin.

his skin.

(Later, even years later, ...I will remember the way that felt, that cool and smooth of him, the sense of him. And it will break me, later, I know it. I know.)

And my other hand is firmly grasping Ron, as he’s pressed up to me, his firmness, in my hand, from behind me. And without planning, I touch Harry's lips with my fingers, running my hands over the softness there, and oh no, oh god, and then it’s happening, and he is doing this, he is kissing my fingertips, and then he draws them into his mouth, and fuck, oh fuck, his teeth, and his tongue, and he is suddenly sucking my fingers, and I am rushed with arousal, I am nearly at climax again, just from that, from his tongue on my hands, and his teeth on my fingertips, and my thumb running over his lips, again and again, over and over, again, again, oh god, again. 

Harry, 

I know that he knows how my fingers are, how my fingers are so delicate, so sensitive. I remember him, so long ago, the two of us, in the tent, it was the middle of the war, and Ron, he had left me, and I was so alone, and in that night, that horrible/wonderful night, Ron was gone, and Harry and I were alone together, and he let me lay against him for that one night, that one fucking night. And he let me touch him with my fingers. And I thought, I can feel his shoulder in my mouth, I can bite his skin there so gently, licking him, and I can feel his skin under my tongue and under my lips. 

I can not look at him in the eyes, at this moment, because his head is down, and I can't see his eyes, but I am so absorbed into this moment, the joy, the glorious what-the-everloving-fuck, and oh god, what the fuck, and I'm still touching Harry, and still touching Ron behind me, and all along, Luna's hands are inside me, her fingers inside me, all the way inside me, inside me, oh fuck it feels so amazingly good, and it's so intense and right and wrong, right/wrong, good/bad, amazing/ohno, and I feel my emotions rocking around and flailing, and the music is playing, it’s going, these songs that are blending together, and the night goes, and the songs just beat past us, and oh god, this is hours, it's hours going by, and I start to realize that I can't stand up any more, my legs go limp with orgasm, and I laugh, and laugh, and Luna's mouth on mine, I'm kissing her neck and shoulder, and sliding my hands around, and then suddenly Harry kisses my fingers again -- 

And Harry, he draws one of my fingers into his mouth and he’s teasing my fingertips with his teeth and his tongue, while he is simultaneously fingering Luna, until she writhes against me and her gasps are so hot, so fucking amazingly hot, and I am here for it, I am here, it is really happening, and Ron is here behind me, I feel him hard against me, and I am here, it is happening, it is really happening. My ecstasy is indescribable. It is the most intense moment of my life. And it goes on, and on, and on, oh fuck, and on, for so long, so long.

And then, my legs get weak, I draw away, breathing hard, thinking, it really has been hours of this.

I stop dancing, and I pull away, but I also grab Luna again, and kiss her hard, again, on the mouth. Ron leaves, and he sits on the couch, and I go to him and straddle him and kiss him deeply, hard, my legs around him, my mouth enveloping him. But I can’t stop being aware of what’s happening behind me. And, behind us, Luna and Harry are kissing against the pillar between the living room and the kitchen. I stop kissing Ron after awhile, and realize that this has happened, that it is suddenly so strange. 

What. Oh my god, what?

Luna has to go. She wants Harry to take her home, but I know that she isn’t really ready for this, not yet, not anyway. And isn’t Neville waiting for her at home? Isn’t he there right now? So, I intervene, but it’s not really about Neville, because fuck that guy, but I can’t imagine Harry with someone else right now. Doesn’t he remember the tent? How could he do this in front of me? How could he look at me in the eyes, and want another woman? Doesn’t he love me, still, even though we can’t ever be together, even though life has happened and changed us, and even though his face when he looks at me, it’s all empty, and blank, and there’s nothing there like it used to be there? Doesn't he still care for me at all?

And then, as I announce, Luna is too drunk, Ron needs to take her home again, she needs to go home and back to Neville again, and then as I’m saying this, I'm watching Harry’s face at this, and his face is so blank and empty and angry, and oh god, his face, it is brutal, he whispers to me, “why, Hermione. Why.” 

And I realize he’s been alone, he’s been lonely, but I can’t care about that right now, all I want is for him to stay here with me, with me, oh god, alongside me, inside me, inside me, but I know, in my secret deep terrified heart, that he’ll never be inside me, and that little fact burrows in, and I am dying from that fact, I am dying, fuck, dying.

And I just frown, saying, Ron needs to take her home, I need all of this to happen this way. Ron gets her ready to leave, she says again, "Harry, please let Harry take me, it will be fine, let Harry take me home!" and I shake my head no at her, and she looks down, and then she agrees, and she leaves with Ron. Harry has put his belt on again and buttoned his jeans, and he gives me this awful look as he hugs me goodbye, and it's nearly 6 am, and he walks out of the house, and I come onto my porch, the porch of my house with Ron, the house that Ron and I own together, but I go out there, barefoot, in a tee shirt, in the cold, and I call to him. 

I say, I can't believe you are leaving me alone like this. 

And he just shrugs. He gets ready to go.

And it’s happening, it’s like a nightmare, oh god.

So, I go inside. And I'm standing there, in the dark, the warmth of my living room, and I can't stand it, I can't live this way.

And then again, I can’t help it, Ron is still gone, Luna gone with him, and so I open the door and go outside, Harry is still out there, and I am calling to him, across the lawn, and I am saying out loud, the thing I can’t believe I am saying, the thing I can’t believe I am feeling: 

“I can't believe you are leaving.” 

He just smiles, his face so strange, so sad, and yet so happy, and it’s awful, and I am alone, and in this moment I realize that he really never wanted me at all, and I feel my heart crack right down the center, but I am controlling it, I am holding it all back, and I stand on my porch, the middle of the night, the stars around us, the moonlight shining down, and I see his eyes. 

I see them. His eyes.

And I watch, as Harry gets in his car, and drives away. 

I am now alone, alone in my house, Ron is gone with Luna, and Harry has left, and I realize that this has all really happened, and I was there for it, and someone made me come that wasn't my husband, and I kissed someone who wasn't my husband, and I touched another man, and this is all so very, very fucked up, and what about Neville, and oh god oh no, this can't be undone. It will be different. It's all different, from now. 

I'm alone, I fold things, I tidy, and as I'm crushing back all of my feelings, Ron comes home. He says that Luna refused to talk about what just happened, she made small talk the whole ride home. I don’t know what to say to him, really.

Ron says, "we are all consenting adults, and I was there, and it was hot. Don't be upset." 

And I believe him. 

And then he says, "Please… don't fuck Harry." 

And I say back to him, "I would never." 

But, I am lying, maybe. 

I am lying, probably.

I would have done it, fuck, I would have, if Harry had stayed. Maybe. I don't know. Because he didn't stay, so I don't get to know. I didn't get to kiss his mouth, didn't get there. I don't know.

And so then Ron and I talked briefly about Neville and how fucked up this is, and how suddenly, it's not just a night of grinding and dancing and sex, it's suddenly an affair that Harry and Luna are going to have, I know this all in advance, it is hurting me, and it’s the middle of the night, but I suddenly know that Harry will go to Luna and they will find each other, and he will love her more than he ever loved me.

And I feel my heart just drop, stop beating, and drop, and I am horrified at how utterly heartbroken I feel in that moment, and I just want to say to Harry, “if you wanted me, ever, if you ever wanted me... I want you. So, you could have me.” But I can’t say that to him. So.

As I think of it, Harry, thinking of Luna, and me, thinking of Harry, and Ron, thinking of me. And nothing is better. Lust, and confusion, and how much I just wish Harry would realize what I need, and move in here with me and Ron, and live here with us, and we could all be happy, in a trio. But, I know he can’t see that. And I am still confused, and worked up, and realizing that it really happened, that I felt both of my men at the same time, and some tiny amount of my lust has been satiated, but also, it just got really flared up, and now I'm craving more, and also realizing that everything will be different from now, it's all going to be different, the change is here, all of my life now pivots on this moment, on Luna's hands inside me, and on my fingers in Harry's mouth, and my life just pivots there, endlessly, it's changed, we can't undo it, we can't un-know it, we can't have that not happen, because it did.

 

\----

Time is moving.  
We were not ready for it.  
I just want to feel your pulse.

Harry has told me, he is moving away. He can’t be here any longer.

I hold Ron’s hand in mine, as I tell Harry, “I am happy for you.” And I squeeze Ron’s hand, so tight, so tight.  
And in my heart, I'm thinking:

Harry.

Oh, Harry. 

If I get to spend one last time with him, and then he may move on to the next part of his life, we will never be together again, not like this. So, if this is the end, I want to lay with him, oh, just once, it could be in a bed or a couch or anything, it doesn’t even have to be like it was when we were in the tent together, during the war. 

It doesn't even have to be like that night with Luna, with Luna and Ron, the foursome that strangely happened, it doesn't have to be that intense, I swear, but oh, oh. Oh.

But, I just want it, I just want to lie there with him,

our clothes on, but bodies together; 

 

intimate, but chaste; 

and how utterly strong this urge is, I want to lay alongside him, alongside him ohgodyes/ohno, and my body touching his, just the two of us,

just once,

and not for love or lust or desperation or loneliness or crushing forever-(the past is never dead, it's not even past), not for any of that, not for anything like that,  
but just for nostalgia,  
for memory,  
for...  
for closure.  
for the war.  
Just for one night,  
Just once.  
One night only.  
I know it won't happen-  
But I imagine it, and it makes me feel glad.

\--


End file.
